Sunday, October 14, 2012

day 12

envy & ice cream

envy. i shut down my computer. turn off lights and walk out of my office. closing down and pushing out the pangs of wanting something i can't have and hating that others have it. envy. the loudest feeling and most seldom shared sin. envy. 11:00 pm and wanting nothing more than sleep to silence my sickening state. yet, a sink full of dishes makes me stop, sigh, and move towards the pile still there since baking bread this morning (don't think too highly of me, i just added eggs, water, and cooking spray). hands soaked in filthy water and all sorts of stickiness i see my bowl from this afternoons ice cream binge. i eat when i don't want to feel something. i eat to stuff. i eat to avoid. i eat when i'm bored. i typically go straight for sugar,  ice cream topping my list. i want ice cream now. i keep washing. i keep loading. i keep wanting to get rid of my internal gunk.

from my kitchen sink i dwell on my envy. i want something someone else has. i write and want to be noticed. to be seen. and other people are writing posts and blogs and books and all i feel is a surge of jealousy. i'm spewing with hateful thoughts towards others (and their 400 followers) and sorry-full thoughts about myself and envy is spinning all around me. i really need that ice cream. anyway or anything that can take me out of this personal hell. i keep cramming dishes into spots where they clearly don't fit, but i insist and persist.

i think about my calling. cause i believe in things like calling and purpose. i believe in soul mates. i believe that pain has a purpose.  i believe all things are wrapped in and around a glorious divinity. God invites us into His good story, His love story.  a story written, yet, still being told. i think about why i write. i think that writing isn't about me being known (although it is certainly a tugging temptation). but, writing, for me, is to become more of who i was created to be. words, carving out my character. words, a way for me to pray. words, teaching me how to listen, to be open, to be still. writing isn't my calling. writing, isn't for me to become known because i already am, fully and completely. writing, is a gift that God uses to show me His story. entering this narrative is my calling.
envy is wanting a calling that belongs to someone else.

 envy, released. heart, recollected. dishes, cleaned. ice cream, devoured.

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i seriously do love my 3 followers! krissa, rissa, and sam!!! thanks for all the love you send my way!

8 comments:

Mrs. G said...

I think you have more followers than you think.....

charissa said...

it's like you crawled inside my heart and spoke what you saw in me. working through it, just like you. except you're more brave to talk about it than i am...

Alice said...

Your writing challenges me, encourages me, inspires me to be a better me, a better mom, a better wife, a better daughter. Your Orange Wednesdays posts are a highlight to my week and always help me to run to Jesus. Thanks Anjuli.

Heath said...

Dearest Anjuli, You definitely have more followers than you realize. I have both of your sites on my feedly app. I love when they show up in my feed - oh happy day. You are raw and real and brave. Hugs.

Krissa said...

Yes for writing! You know I love, love, love your writing. Don't stop! :)

The Ryska Family said...

I echo Krissa

The Ryska Family said...

I echo Krissa

ashley lalkin said...

thank you for opening yourself up to be seen.
in seeing I connect. I feel, and am inspired.
Anjuli, God has gifted you this ability to express yourself in such a beautiful, raw and encouraging way.
I stand in awe of your courage and honesty. you make a difference. thank you
one of your grateful followers:)