Saturday, May 30, 2009

Marley and Me.

Last week i had a baby. a little precious boy about the size of a peanut. i've watched Marley and Me about 100 times since coming home from the hospital and it still makes me cry. maybe it is something in that movie about a couple growing old, having kids, realizing life wasn't panning out the way they expected, and a two year old toddler Manoah- i mean dog named Marley- that doesn't want to obey. I feel tired, my body is in recovery, my house is too small, and i am secretly wondering how i am going to do this when Sam goes back to work in 2 days. and tears fill my eyes because i know i can't in any sort of beautiful way survive life right now on my own. and i guess i've just wanted everything to be done well- to fit into some sort of pretty package and have others admire this mom who has it all together. and how do i be me and a mom and be connected to God and people and my husband and friends and kids? what does a true integrated life look like? and i suppose life just isn't panning out all the ways i imagined it would. i've been in my pjs for a good few days straight and i don't want to change. three things i guess... one- maybe i haven't really embraced what it means to be a mom, two- maybe i am becoming who God wants me to be, three- i love my life- even though it wasn't the way I planned it to be. I guess in some way i am becoming more okay with my messy heart and messy house- yet there is still some serious resistance. so this is a messy blog but i am running on little sleep. i'll end with a quote from my new favorite movie, "life is way better than i planned it- i'm kind of done with planning." - Jenny Grogen.