day 16

happy. 

 

it doesn't require a lot for me to be happy. a cup of hot tea, a tiny bit of space, and a place to breathe. today it is my husband coming home for an hour so i can go to star bucks alone. after 4 days and nights of sick kids, i'll take even an hour alone to recollect. i should probably grab a celebrity magazine just to make the hour more productive. it's the little things.

day 15

what if.

what if we took the truth seriously, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" not just in the negative context we typically use it in like- don't hit your brother because you wouldn't want him to hit you. what if it meant that when i buy myself lunch, i buy it for my neighbor as well. when fill up my non-eco friendly gas guzzler tank, i fill up the car beside me as well.  or if i buy myself those questionable skinny jeans, buy a pair for my friend too. i mean really, like what if that is what this verse meant? what if it meant that if i am going to take care of my needs then i better darn well take care of my neighbors needs too. and after every thought i have about this idea, all i hear are excuses spilling out everywhere.... after our backyard gets done, once sam gets a raise, when i can work more, when the kids are older, sure, one day we will do this. what if everything we had, we gave. what if i really trusted God. what in the world would my life really look like. because i really don't think that giving is a matter of how much or how little i have. i think it is a trust issue. a matter of the heart. what is my heart attached to that i need more than the love of God? what else satisfies, what else fills, what silences guilt and shame and anxiety but the complete goodness of God? and every gift, every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
i thought about this at my sink today. looking out over the earth from my window.  stacking dishes into their designed slots. exhale. what if i were different. what would that even look like. what if?

day 14

need.

because i need you. this morning, like every morning. and though i normalize that my heart actually beats and my body breathes, normal it is not. before the sun rises and the sky moves into all sorts of shadows and shades, i awake to my need for you. headache and hands warmed by morning brew, i see my need for you in all that i do. joy, bouncing boys playing and baby discovering. grace, seeking even the smallest sins, calling out and coming in. hope, kindly moving all things forward. 

for this space.... the uneaten yogurt,  sweet smells of stock flowers dancing in mason jars,  t-rex roaring, husband helping, and brothers becoming, i know my need for the creator to keep creating for this life to keep living.

day 13.

tired.

it's been one of those days weeks where i can't shake my tiredness. yeah... the only way to shake sleepiness is SLEEPING! right!???! but when i have two minutes to myself, instead of sleeping,  i over eat my take out Chinese, flip through channels, and random do Wikipedia searches. because here is the thing, being a mom, you are never alone.  they never. ever. leave. so it doesn't matter if you are going on day 6 of less than 5 hours of sleep a night, so tired your eyes are burning, your limbs are going numb, and hair massively disheveled, the single moment you have to yourself you fill it up with the smallest amounts of pleasure that bring the greatest amounts of instant fulfillment. so if that means watching america's next top model while downing hot cinnamon gummy bears, i'm gonna do it.

day 12

envy & ice cream

envy. i shut down my computer. turn off lights and walk out of my office. closing down and pushing out the pangs of wanting something i can't have and hating that others have it. envy. the loudest feeling and most seldom shared sin. envy. 11:00 pm and wanting nothing more than sleep to silence my sickening state. yet, a sink full of dishes makes me stop, sigh, and move towards the pile still there since baking bread this morning (don't think too highly of me, i just added eggs, water, and cooking spray). hands soaked in filthy water and all sorts of stickiness i see my bowl from this afternoons ice cream binge. i eat when i don't want to feel something. i eat to stuff. i eat to avoid. i eat when i'm bored. i typically go straight for sugar,  ice cream topping my list. i want ice cream now. i keep washing. i keep loading. i keep wanting to get rid of my internal gunk.

from my kitchen sink i dwell on my envy. i want something someone else has. i write and want to be noticed. to be seen. and other people are writing posts and blogs and books and all i feel is a surge of jealousy. i'm spewing with hateful thoughts towards others (and their 400 followers) and sorry-full thoughts about myself and envy is spinning all around me. i really need that ice cream. anyway or anything that can take me out of this personal hell. i keep cramming dishes into spots where they clearly don't fit, but i insist and persist.

i think about my calling. cause i believe in things like calling and purpose. i believe in soul mates. i believe that pain has a purpose.  i believe all things are wrapped in and around a glorious divinity. God invites us into His good story, His love story.  a story written, yet, still being told. i think about why i write. i think that writing isn't about me being known (although it is certainly a tugging temptation). but, writing, for me, is to become more of who i was created to be. words, carving out my character. words, a way for me to pray. words, teaching me how to listen, to be open, to be still. writing isn't my calling. writing, isn't for me to become known because i already am, fully and completely. writing, is a gift that God uses to show me His story. entering this narrative is my calling.
envy is wanting a calling that belongs to someone else.

 envy, released. heart, recollected. dishes, cleaned. ice cream, devoured.

***

i seriously do love my 3 followers! krissa, rissa, and sam!!! thanks for all the love you send my way!

day 11

different.

i want this day to be different. to live alive to this day as though it was the last. to fill it with goodness and truth and beauty. i want to be different. and this daydream is quickly interrupted with bouncy ball wars, tantrums to tender, and feelings to wipe off the floor. i guess the reality of life being peaceful, without wrinkle or frailty isn't really life. that sleep doesn't change the heart, no different than makeup fixes the blemishes or band aids heal the hurt. we are the same until the heart meets with the maker. and all the realities of time-outs and bathroom floors and asking for forgiveness are all meant to make us different.

day 10.

rain.

it rained today. and i still hear it falling outside my window. rain dropping the way it did this morning as i watched it fall from my kitchen sink. water falling, water rising, filling the earth. soaking the dryness laid doormat in the soil of my soul. and i feel it filling and i watch it falling. replenishing and reviving. the sink water splashing and the heaven water releasing. and the light spotting on sections of the mountains where clouds are dispensing. soapy water rinsing and the rain it keeps falling. keeping all things clean. the calming cadence of life being given another chance to live. the mercies of a love offering falling before my eyes and into my hands.  millions of little sprinkles softly singing, grace. grace. grace. grace. grace. grace. grace.