Marley and Me.

Last week i had a baby. a little precious boy about the size of a peanut. i've watched Marley and Me about 100 times since coming home from the hospital and it still makes me cry. maybe it is something in that movie about a couple growing old, having kids, realizing life wasn't panning out the way they expected, and a two year old toddler Manoah- i mean dog named Marley- that doesn't want to obey. I feel tired, my body is in recovery, my house is too small, and i am secretly wondering how i am going to do this when Sam goes back to work in 2 days. and tears fill my eyes because i know i can't in any sort of beautiful way survive life right now on my own. and i guess i've just wanted everything to be done well- to fit into some sort of pretty package and have others admire this mom who has it all together. and how do i be me and a mom and be connected to God and people and my husband and friends and kids? what does a true integrated life look like? and i suppose life just isn't panning out all the ways i imagined it would. i've been in my pjs for a good few days straight and i don't want to change. three things i guess... one- maybe i haven't really embraced what it means to be a mom, two- maybe i am becoming who God wants me to be, three- i love my life- even though it wasn't the way I planned it to be. I guess in some way i am becoming more okay with my messy heart and messy house- yet there is still some serious resistance. so this is a messy blog but i am running on little sleep. i'll end with a quote from my new favorite movie, "life is way better than i planned it- i'm kind of done with planning." - Jenny Grogen.

where have i been?

To answer that question is a difficult thing... i'm physically still here in my little old home in Escondido and my heart has been- lets just say on a journey. These past few months have been filled with sadness, grieving, and all kinds of joy. A furthering journey into the heart of Jesus' love for me. and although this path can at times be still and confusing, i am present with Jesus as He unfolds the tangles in my insides. I apologize to all who have kept checking here for a post to only see the same words and pictures on the screen. I'll be better :) I've started a photography business Photorange Photography, been growing a baby in my belly, and trying to teach my two year old not to hit, share, and to be nice to doggies. As for projects here are two that i am post here for you today...
Rachel, my dear friend, who put together my photography website charged me next to nothing and an art project in exchange for her work. So i made her a quilt from beautiful Amy Butler fabric. Thanks Rach- love you! check out my photography website!
The ring on tied to the blanket is hand engraved by a fabulous artist i found on Etsy.




and...

Here was my Christmas gift to Sam. Frames filled with our story since getting married almost 4 years ago. I know it is hard to see, but each frame holds the significant events from each year of marriage. My mom gave me good advice which was to keep track of each year of our marriage so that when we are old and have lost our memory we can remember our love story. thanks mom!



Peace, love, and more blogging to come!

small

Oh great God are you small enough to hear me now.

moving rooms

A few days ago Sam and i decided to move a few rooms around in our tiny place. It reminds me of when i was young. When all of my sisters would get the brilliant idea to switch rooms and roommates. We would stay up late and move all our furniture around and tryout out the dresser and desks in new places. There is something to this process that feels so good, a cleansing, a change. It is kind of like tricking yourself into thinking that you are in a new living space, even though the walls and the home are the same. Really, sometimes you just gotta move the couch and buy new pillows, and put the table in the corner at a slant. Here's the thing though, our house is dismantled and i don't know how to put it back together again. The pictures are off of their walls and the shelves are stripped of books and colors. oddly my home mirrors my heart.... as if the things that are a mess in my life don't know how to put themselves back together again. i am tired today, and yesterday and before that. i've given all i can, and i feel so done. it is a sad feeling to say goodbye and to close a door to a life and a friendship and parts of me. but sometimes this happens. The walls get all broken, and the chairs remain empty, frames lose the life that once danced inside them. and the days of sisters laughing and singing falls to a whisper. changing rooms and picking roommates loses its youthful splendor. night falls and sadness rises. and all the rooms are left undone.

four years.

this month marks four years. Four years ago, the Olympics, august, the heat of summer, and the lowest moments of my life. Four years now since i spent those painful, yet glorious weeks alone with just me and Jesus. I battled out the sadness and the loss, the years i went unnoticed and the times i slipped away. we talked, laughed, drank tea, fought and cried- all as if He, Jesus, was sitting beside me on the patio of that deck. i remember watching the sun set every evening and with it my heart sank with the fears that the darkness of night brought, but rejoicing with another long day passing and me still surviving. Me still surviving. ME. In all the violence that took place in my heart, soul, and body, the ME inside was found. She, Anjuli came to life, She became whole. She became one. Four years now since those three weeks in Washington. I distinctly remember a thought i had at that cabin, "God i can't believe you had to bring me to this cabin in Washington, You alone knew that being here was the only way that i would find healing, I can't believe you really want to heal me." i was astonished God knew my heart so deeply, so closely, so profoundly. He knew that in no other circumstance would i find the healing that my heart so desperately needed. i couldn't believe He wanted to heal me in the places of wounded-ness that i had so carefully and meticulously covered. It was that place of pain inside of me that i had slowly come to accept as a forever wound. One that would follow me to my death and be finally at peace only there. this pain i had accepted as a reality that would never ever go away.
...i sat in a room with friends last week. holding my breath from sharing myself with them. I closed my eyes. silence. i felt the nudge inside of me to open my mouth and let my heart out. and there i felt this thought again, " God could you really want to heal this place in me? the hurt, the brokenness, the bleeding that slowly spills into my everyday?" It was the same thought i had four years ago, "i can't believe you really want to heal this hidden place in me. this pain that i had accepted as a forever wound, deep inside my middle" I opened my mouth and my heart came out with my tears. i was loved. i am being healed.
It has been four years and i love who i am and i love who i am becoming. i love that Jesus is with me, within me, loving me. Four years since Washington and the fence and the fears. Four years since i wrote those letters and buried them in the sand. four years. four years since i cut my hair off and starting listening to my voice and being okay with being completely alone. four years ago i became alive for the first time. and this, becoming alive and awakened to life beauty and God, still is in me and moving me... so in some way, all and nothing, has changed.

our vineyard

(John Gorbet's grape vines)

(from our local Farmers Market)

(a vineyard in Southern France)

Recently Sam and i have been on an obsessive streak when it comes to vineyards. We have the blue prints drawn up and the spot located that will hold our future vineyard. I guess i have dreamy visions of a scene from the movie "A Walk among the Clouds." A terrible movie- which i would never recommend, all but the one scene where the whole village is together jumping bare feet on the grapes- that will someday become delicious wine. Everyone is laughing and dancing and pushing each other around- all covered in grapes! love it :) a stomping grape party- who's in? I found some old vineyard and grape pictures to inspire us all in this dream :)

Fun...

and we all like to have fun.

If you post your name in the comment section or email me, I will do the following:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a kind of alcoholic beverage to share with you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.(if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what actor/actress you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you play, you MUST post this on your blog.

who wants to play?