Sunday, August 24, 2008

four years.

this month marks four years. Four years ago, the Olympics, august, the heat of summer, and the lowest moments of my life. Four years now since i spent those painful, yet glorious weeks alone with just me and Jesus. I battled out the sadness and the loss, the years i went unnoticed and the times i slipped away. we talked, laughed, drank tea, fought and cried- all as if He, Jesus, was sitting beside me on the patio of that deck. i remember watching the sun set every evening and with it my heart sank with the fears that the darkness of night brought, but rejoicing with another long day passing and me still surviving. Me still surviving. ME. In all the violence that took place in my heart, soul, and body, the ME inside was found. She, Anjuli came to life, She became whole. She became one. Four years now since those three weeks in Washington. I distinctly remember a thought i had at that cabin, "God i can't believe you had to bring me to this cabin in Washington, You alone knew that being here was the only way that i would find healing, I can't believe you really want to heal me." i was astonished God knew my heart so deeply, so closely, so profoundly. He knew that in no other circumstance would i find the healing that my heart so desperately needed. i couldn't believe He wanted to heal me in the places of wounded-ness that i had so carefully and meticulously covered. It was that place of pain inside of me that i had slowly come to accept as a forever wound. One that would follow me to my death and be finally at peace only there. this pain i had accepted as a reality that would never ever go away.
...i sat in a room with friends last week. holding my breath from sharing myself with them. I closed my eyes. silence. i felt the nudge inside of me to open my mouth and let my heart out. and there i felt this thought again, " God could you really want to heal this place in me? the hurt, the brokenness, the bleeding that slowly spills into my everyday?" It was the same thought i had four years ago, "i can't believe you really want to heal this hidden place in me. this pain that i had accepted as a forever wound, deep inside my middle" I opened my mouth and my heart came out with my tears. i was loved. i am being healed.
It has been four years and i love who i am and i love who i am becoming. i love that Jesus is with me, within me, loving me. Four years since Washington and the fence and the fears. Four years since i wrote those letters and buried them in the sand. four years. four years since i cut my hair off and starting listening to my voice and being okay with being completely alone. four years ago i became alive for the first time. and this, becoming alive and awakened to life beauty and God, still is in me and moving me... so in some way, all and nothing, has changed.


Kelley said...

thanks so much for sharing this. i miss you friend. lets get together.

Kelli Henderson said...

Beautiful as always, Anjuli. Thanks for sharing once again...

So I've made my blog private. I love reading yours...and thought I'd offer an invite if you wanted to keep up with mine. Just need your can email me at


Augustus Rex said...

I remember you coming back with your hair cut and your heart centered. It was Anjuli, but it wasn't. Thank you for opening your heart to me these past years, thank you for letting me into your healing. And now your healing and my healing are becoming one. I can see Him there with you know, there on the fence, there on the porch... "Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus." I am learning to love you in him and with him.

jessica maneewan tou said...

o anju. thankyou for posting this. you're beautiful just the way God made you. *hugs*

Ryan and Charissa said...

i have so many thoughts and not so much energy to organize them. i love that you posted this. i'll email soon.

the nibbling marmot said...

Dear old friend,

Thanks for sharing your heart. You are a woman who's thought a lot of things through, and I admire this about you.

In answer to your long-ago question, I don't know. I don't know if I'm grateful for the things that I learned during all of those years of my life. I even have some regrets, however minor. I know this, though: I'm grateful for people like you, who are open to me and to Change. I would never, ever wish for another family, either, and part of what is so wonderful about them is that we share a lot of similar confusion of the past and desire for growth, based on teachings and views from our history.

There's not much Christian left in me. None, really. I'm OK with Jesus, but not the Bible. I still can't go to church. It just doesn't feel right. I've tried several kinds, and even turned an invitation down last week because I just couldn't stomach it.

This is very me me me, but I thought this blog was a good one to respond to.

Ask me anything, any time- we should do this more often!

Loving you on this beautiful day in Oakland,