Friday, August 10, 2007

inside.

everytime i open my blog i see my words "i just absolutely love jesus" and my heart wonders if i do, if i truly love jesus. i know for certain i love the gifts of god. i love the peace and love and joy i receive from being in communion with him, but i suppose that my own words search my heart concerning the reality within me that i may not love christ truly if i had not all the gifts. i know my motivations are drenched in pride and my own search for glory. would i, like pete deny my savior if the opportunity arose, or like Job would withstand an endless faith even when all the goods are gone. it makes me sad to see the truth of who i am because i know my love for Christ is so fragile and hinged upon the forms in which i believe he ought to love me. am i on this journey for all my days... that one day i might wake and realize i love Christ for Christ's sake and not just loves sake or the sake of my own? i do find in all my me-ness and this endless need in me to be 'okay' that jesus is gracious, he calls me home, a deep place within my soul. for it is in the darkness that he is most present and he makes his home inside of me.

1 comment:

malina said...

i think you captured your thoughts and fears so well. i want to have a true heart, but its so impossible. your description is honest and endearing.