a walk.

since having Manoah i have changed. Something in me became deeply lost, confused, and disconnected. I knew a name i had never known or identified with before, mom. The name implies one who nurtures and soothes, one who loves and comforts. I became flooded and lost in my own days, which felt endless, and my nights, which never lasted long enough. I got a job, which i was dispassionate about and worked more for an escape than for a need. I thought of starting a business, which lasted for 2 weeks. I thought of an invention idea, which i spent several wasted hours on the Internet. I started this blog, and another, and another blog- searching endlessly on other blogs to create the perfect blog. My mind wondered and dreamed of moving, of a house, of a better job, or or or anything that wasn't here. i guess it is easiest to say i was lost and trying somehow to find home again.
i went on a walk last week. one in which i felt the courage to face my own lost soul. Manoah had just pooped out his diaper and clothes and now i was walking and praying my heart out load to Jesus. in this walk and in the strangest of ways, Jesus touched me. as i stopped to let manoah crawl around i remember a thought i had while pregnant, "after Manoah is born i want to play tennis again." in response Jesus said to me, "that isn't your life anymore." Tennis, college, dating, grad school, mentoring, teaching, young married, ... all these parts of your life are no longer me. Loving Manoah is sacrificing me for him. I suppose this concept may come easy for others, but for me change is long and hard. i hold, actually grasped onto the past believing that all that is good and right and how things should be - are in the past. I have a hard time believing the the future holds equal if not better good for me. in the oddest, and simplest ways, my heart finally made sense. I had been so resistant to motherhood... to letting go of me and not embracing the newness and the goodness of this present season. would i let go of the past? Would that mean i would lose myself... that somehow motherhood meant losing myself? the answer is easy- yes. Yes i will let go and yes i will sacrifice, but no i will not lose me in the process. i actually believe i might in fact find more of myself that i didn't realize was there before. I suppose the depth of me goes down deeper than anyone can ever imagine. i forget that though. i forget that Jesus made me endless and in every sacrifice there is truly love. and i really love my son. and i want to still play tennis, but that isn't who i am. a mother is not actually who i am . i am beloved.

a little bit more a little bit more.

So i love Target commercials! I can never get their jingles out of my head. So have another Etsy artist i love. My friend Mindy is having a baby girl (you must check out her blog, she is super talented) and we have searched Etsy looking for perfect baby artwork. I think i found just the 'perfect' that i am looking for. She is an artist out of London and here is some of art that i just love. Please please please look, then buy some of her work! When i have a girl, (someday) she will be my pick.

redo your walls

wallpaper will not escape my mind. somehow everywhere i go i image what paper i would use and what walls i would redo. i am crazy about this new old fad. there is certainly a part of me that screams "YES!" redo every wall with the most outrageous colors and patterns, but then the rational part of me whispers "moderation." So because we are still renting this beautiful 1930's home i will restrain from covering all the walls with crazy, yet moderate patterns... instead i just live vicariously thru the internet. i found these fantastics prints at Secondhand Rose ... go crazy because i did :)

nice pictures.

i found a good find on Etsy. i was on the search for something cute and i found "dazeychic." i like her style- simle and sweet. take a look at some of her other illistrations ... love. a.

a cup of tea.

Tea somehow has a magical way of soothing my soul. A hot cup of tea is one of the first thoughts i have when i wake up. i am sure my mothers love of tea has had a profound impact on my same love for it. She not only perfected the taste of tea, but insisted that tea could only be served in a delicate tea cup (mugs were out of the question). i have recently been on the search for the perfect tea set. I saw these tea pots and cups on the Anthropologie website and loved them. the color green is so warm and inviting and the handles are so creative. this set of tea pot and tea cups are now on my wish list. i can just imagine drinking a cup of chai tea on my deck with a friend.

Decor8 contest.

i had the most difficult time learning how to make a collage out of four different pictures. Decor8 is having a contest... choosing one piece of stationary and 3 other pictures - making one piece out of the four. this is my poor attempt at making something creative. but i learned something, so i'm content. check out the other entries:

http://decor8.blogspot.com/2007/07/fabulous-stationery-contest.html

inside.

everytime i open my blog i see my words "i just absolutely love jesus" and my heart wonders if i do, if i truly love jesus. i know for certain i love the gifts of god. i love the peace and love and joy i receive from being in communion with him, but i suppose that my own words search my heart concerning the reality within me that i may not love christ truly if i had not all the gifts. i know my motivations are drenched in pride and my own search for glory. would i, like pete deny my savior if the opportunity arose, or like Job would withstand an endless faith even when all the goods are gone. it makes me sad to see the truth of who i am because i know my love for Christ is so fragile and hinged upon the forms in which i believe he ought to love me. am i on this journey for all my days... that one day i might wake and realize i love Christ for Christ's sake and not just loves sake or the sake of my own? i do find in all my me-ness and this endless need in me to be 'okay' that jesus is gracious, he calls me home, a deep place within my soul. for it is in the darkness that he is most present and he makes his home inside of me.

a summer yummy

a perfect delight (thanks cooking light magazine!)

fresh plums + goat cheese + basalmic vinegar =

a delicious summer side dish. loved it- hope you do too!

My apron in the picture is from Anthropologie. a fine gift from sister Malina. somehow when i wear i feel like i was made to cook.

vibrant.

i love the color pink. mostly the vibrant, jumping out of the norm, screaming "look at me i'm alive" pink. i saw these flowers at trader joes and they were a must buy. i recovered a set of these chairs given to me and sam last spring. the experience was a gift. it opened my mind up to the world of reupholstering. next on my wish list is to buy old armchairs and find fantastic fabric and simply go crazy re-doing them into something amazing. One thing at a time (at least thats what sam always says). as for now, here is a taste of what brought me joy today. love. a.

Tuesday at the Market

Every Tuesday i do my very best to make it down to Grand street for the Escondido Farmers Market. i love the freshness i feel when i am there. the farmers are kind and friendly. just a different experience than vons. i loved the colors of these fruits- they just make me happy.

Adorable.

i can't help it, i just think Manoah is absolutely adorable. i gave him a bath in the kichen sink while Sam was picking
oranges from our tree outside.

Finished!

With bloody pooked fingers and endless broken needles, i present to you the bag of all bags. I had great ambitions to start a purse/ bag business and this was the first project i sought to complete. It was painfully difficult and maybe my business dreams have been shattered, but i had some good laughs and bellows of frustration making this piece. I'd like to thank my mom for her blessed patience in helping me with this project. And of course, thanks to my Manoah for modeling this bag for me. So anyone want to buy my first bag (baby not included) ?