twins.

she said she would be here in 5 minutes. and she was. she is never late. i opened the garage door and she was standing there. we both started laughing. busting up and bending over. eyes filling with tears. she said, "i've been waiting for this moment to happen." we looked at each other from head to toe. we were wearing the exact.same.outfit. same stripped shirt from target, same grey cardigan, same dark jeans, and our hair worn wavy and down. we instagramed it: twins. next stop starbucks where we ordered 2 no water, one pump of vanilla, chai tea lattes. 

our spontaneous shopping trip made me realize we are more alike than we are different. even though she eats salad and i eat junk food. even though she likes it organic and i like it processed. even though she takes essentials oils and i take tylenol. even though she likes it organized and don't mind the mess. most would think we would be unlikely friends. but friendships aren't always built on similarities, but perhaps, on shared stories. i guess that's what makes our friendship mean so much, we have the same story. we walked on a long yellow line in elementary school, we've marched down a dusty road waving flags, we've wept over broken high school hearts and stupid boys, we've had hard conversations and said sorry a few dozen times, we've waved at graduations,  we've traveled by train in the cities of Thailand, we've witnessed vows from the closest position possible,  we've watched babies born and i left her flowers when her baby went to heaven before being born.

 so i guess dressing today as twins isn't all that surprising. we've been twins for a while now.

flat lining.

i'm flat lining and finding that i actually thrive on the busy and in the messy and frantic. i like running last minute, packing lunches the morning of, and chasing down the missing sock.  it's when the quiet sets in that i struggle. i'm having a hard time resting, being still, sitting.  i can't actually. i'm really antsy.   i'm really bored. for sure i have a million things to do: a bin full of those tiny legos are all over my bedroom floor, smashed goldfish are hidden under the rug (which may have been pushed under there by maybe me, an embarrassing confession), and a car full of crumbs, but my heart is, well, bored. i'm flat lining. i keep trying to jump start it with ideas: start a new blog, quit photography, do art projects, start a non-profit, do something inspiring, build a table out of concrete, but as quickly as my ideas start, they fall, they flat line. i'm looking for something, but i don't know what it is. i am wanting something, but i can't find it. the more i search the less content i feel. why can't being just a mom be enough. why don't i feel complete in it, in them. and why after being a mom for 5 years do i still feel incomplete and disconnected from that name. i thought by now that title would fit. why does it seem like other moms get the mothering thing? not mothering, but being a mom.  not action, but identity. and why do i feel like there is a part of me that is always trying to escape it. what is that part of me? like something else, something out there could be better. why can't i just be here. i keep wanting to inject some sort of excitement into my bones, but there is a gentle hand holding me back. a gentle hand holding me still. and the more i stay the more uncomfortable i feel because flat lining is painful, a slow death of sorts. and i feel the uneasiness in me, all the aches and all the ugly rising. and a gentle hand holding me, stay, don't run away. i'm not sure how to dig my roots down into the soil of motherhood. it's hard for me. my identities are still separate. the me and the mom, these two are still meeting.  the ground is tough. but i stay and dig my feet downward because down there somewhere i know my toes will touch the waters of a spring. waters with words bringing my worlds together.

better.

it's hard not to want to be better at everything. i think about 'being better' all the time. and if i don't think it, i feel it. i wish i were better at cooking, caring, organizing, disciplining, cleaning, connecting, communicating, i mean, seriously, the list continues... i wish i were better.... at everything. today i was "playing" on the floor with my baby, but i was distracted by all kinds of silly things. i was on the floor, but my mind was a million other places. i was thinking about our yard, about how much the chaos was driving me crazy, how to fix my hair into those braid buns i see all over pinterest.  in my maze of thoughts,  noelle was crawling circles around me. i brought my head close to hers and looked square into her eyes. i looked at her, into her. and i realized how little i do that, look deeply into her bubbly blue eyes. i glance, but rarely do i  gaze at her eyes holding mine and mine holding hers. i see my kids, but how often to i stop and wait for our eyes to connect, for our souls to see each other (well, other than me threatening into doing something) ? ahhhh, of all the things i wish i were better at, being with, really with, my kids ranks up there near the top.

day 16

happy. 

 

it doesn't require a lot for me to be happy. a cup of hot tea, a tiny bit of space, and a place to breathe. today it is my husband coming home for an hour so i can go to star bucks alone. after 4 days and nights of sick kids, i'll take even an hour alone to recollect. i should probably grab a celebrity magazine just to make the hour more productive. it's the little things.

day 15

what if.

what if we took the truth seriously, "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" not just in the negative context we typically use it in like- don't hit your brother because you wouldn't want him to hit you. what if it meant that when i buy myself lunch, i buy it for my neighbor as well. when fill up my non-eco friendly gas guzzler tank, i fill up the car beside me as well.  or if i buy myself those questionable skinny jeans, buy a pair for my friend too. i mean really, like what if that is what this verse meant? what if it meant that if i am going to take care of my needs then i better darn well take care of my neighbors needs too. and after every thought i have about this idea, all i hear are excuses spilling out everywhere.... after our backyard gets done, once sam gets a raise, when i can work more, when the kids are older, sure, one day we will do this. what if everything we had, we gave. what if i really trusted God. what in the world would my life really look like. because i really don't think that giving is a matter of how much or how little i have. i think it is a trust issue. a matter of the heart. what is my heart attached to that i need more than the love of God? what else satisfies, what else fills, what silences guilt and shame and anxiety but the complete goodness of God? and every gift, every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
i thought about this at my sink today. looking out over the earth from my window.  stacking dishes into their designed slots. exhale. what if i were different. what would that even look like. what if?

day 14

need.

because i need you. this morning, like every morning. and though i normalize that my heart actually beats and my body breathes, normal it is not. before the sun rises and the sky moves into all sorts of shadows and shades, i awake to my need for you. headache and hands warmed by morning brew, i see my need for you in all that i do. joy, bouncing boys playing and baby discovering. grace, seeking even the smallest sins, calling out and coming in. hope, kindly moving all things forward. 

for this space.... the uneaten yogurt,  sweet smells of stock flowers dancing in mason jars,  t-rex roaring, husband helping, and brothers becoming, i know my need for the creator to keep creating for this life to keep living.

day 13.

tired.

it's been one of those days weeks where i can't shake my tiredness. yeah... the only way to shake sleepiness is SLEEPING! right!???! but when i have two minutes to myself, instead of sleeping,  i over eat my take out Chinese, flip through channels, and random do Wikipedia searches. because here is the thing, being a mom, you are never alone.  they never. ever. leave. so it doesn't matter if you are going on day 6 of less than 5 hours of sleep a night, so tired your eyes are burning, your limbs are going numb, and hair massively disheveled, the single moment you have to yourself you fill it up with the smallest amounts of pleasure that bring the greatest amounts of instant fulfillment. so if that means watching america's next top model while downing hot cinnamon gummy bears, i'm gonna do it.