Monday, February 18, 2008

my first isaac.


I fed him from my breast for the last time on Monday. I laid Manoah down in his crib and at the alter. My first Isaac. I laid him down in his crib and at the alter and i walked away. I walked away. i hid my face in the arms of sam and i wept. i wept for me. i wept for Manoah...wept for the first moment i ever held him, wept for the joy i found in calming him when others could not, wept for his fingers that tugged on my hair as his tummy filled up, wept for his wondering eye that caught mine as he drank in comfort, wept for his tiny face burrowing deeply into my chest.

My first Isaac. My last feeding. My first laying down. My first letting go. My first Isaac. One week now. Manoah has forgotten. My breasts have not. they ache and pulse in pain... filled, but now to stay full. My first Isaac. my last feeding.

7 comments:

Augustus Rex said...

i prayed for you this morning - there are many more altars to come, many more layings down. The pain of loss, the pain of life, how it will haunt you and me... but it will be redeemed anjuli - "these things I have taken from you not for thy harms but that thou may'st find them in my arms." You have laid down our Isaac, but in the arms of the Hound of Heaven you will find him... and pleasures forevermore.

Kelli Henderson said...

Anjuli...it's Kelli Henderson (formerly Carrier) from Point Loma..
I discovered your blog today through Kenz's...what a beautiful light in my afternoon. I just wanted to say hello and thank you for being so honest and willing to show the raw bits of life. And I have to tell you..I "get" your obsession with colors. If only I had a whole house to paint in paisley's and patterns and birds and flowers. Cheers to Anthropologie!

blessings today...
Kelli

the nibbling marmot said...

Hello Dear Friend.
Hope your week is going well and that you are finding joy in your cute kid.

Kimberly Smith said...

Hi Anjuli...it's Kimberly Smith (formerly Parker). I too went to Point Loma, and I'm friends with Kenz. Of course after reading my friend Kelli's blog couldn't hop over and read yours without saying "hi" and confirming what Kel wrote...it truly is inspiring! Thank you for being so honest...it's beautiful!

warmest regards ~ kim

malina said...

wow. how come i always cry when i read your writing. you have such a....something i dont know the word...way of sharing your heart. even though ive never felt what you have somehow i feel with you. manoah is so lucky to have you.

ben and/or anne said...

it's kind of strange when strangers write on your blog... but i [too] found yours through mackenzie's just now [i know her + jim through my husband ben who went to plnu]. i have a little 7 month old and have been loving nursing more and more every day. your words made my eyes brim up with tears for that day when i'll have to do the same. nursing or not, they'll always find comfort in their momma :)

AnnieB said...

Anjuli-

Thanks for your heart-felt honesty about "your first Isaac" Having a little one of my one (4mo) I know how tender the time is and truly what a sarifice it will be to lay that time down. Thanks for sharing
Annie (Baurichter) Burleigh