a million things...

and a million more. always a million more things to do and a million things left undone. what kind of life is it living from one busy task to the next. i've heard, " that if you have little kids then, that is just the way life is- busy." God i don't want that life. i really don't. i don't want to live life frantically, by a 'to-do' list, or trying to cram 100 different events into one day. i refuse. to be honest- i really shouldn't be writing this blog post right now. i should be taking a shower while Manoah sleeps, i should be working on the two books i need to be editing, i need to pay bills, plan out tomorrow with Manoah, write a letter to Sam, pull out the dry clothes that have been in the dryer for 3 days now, pump, pick out my messy home,and most importantly pluck my eyebrows (am serious about this one). i think about the next week ahead of me and i everyday feels the same way- does it ever end? When my list gets longer and longer, i hope desperately that Manoah will be good, fall asleep when he is supposed to and not need me as much so that i can multi-task. in a sense i wish him away. how insane is that- i wish my son away so i can accomplish something to which i have placed greater significance on. that is insane. While i was working tonight i received an email from an old friend (bless you). something about her email touched me so much. to sum it up- she basically said i wasn't alone in my struggle. I honestly feel like everyone else has their life all put together in these amazing and beautiful packages- and me, i am a mess 99% of the time. I really never know how to love Manoah well, i am a terrible cook, my home is never clean, and to top it off i really believe that i am forgetting how to have normal conversations that don't involve babies, poop, or sleeping. Maybe it was just that fact that someone out there struggles too that brought tears to my eyes. Someone to confirm that being a mom, wife, and woman isn't an easy thing to reconcile. i don't want to live my life from task to task. i really don't. i want to live in the freedom of the Spirit within me and not controlled by the stress and anxiety of the clock screaming at me " hurry-you don't have time!" i don't ever want to wish away my son just so i can finish a load of laundry. maybe it sounds silly- but i really want to learn how to play with Manoah- to get down and dirty- and simply play. i want to be with him. to really just 'be' (in every sense of the word). all the other one million things are just not as important.