thin

sam is gone. he left saturday for a cabin in Washington to find jesus. i am alone. it is a strange thing being alone after not being alone after two years of marriage. i long to be alone, but once Manoah is asleep and i am alone with my cup of tea i realize something- i am not sure who i have become. i am not sure if i like myself that much. i mean- everything i've wanted and aspired to be/become, i am not she. i feel thin. my words come a thin place. when i speak my words don't feel thick, they feel frail and tired and insecure. i am consumed with guilt most days. i am living out of a place that needs to please and impress others and i have forsaken my own soul. i act from a place of neediness and not centered-ness. i am afraid of hurting, offending, betraying, and not living up to the shadowed expectations of others. i am living out of a shell of shallowness. i am sorry. sorry. i am not living faithfully to who i believe i am. i am thin and i don't like who i have become. i am sorry to my husband for not living out a life of centered-ness, but self-centered-ness. i am sorry to my son... i fail him greatly to not be who i am created to be. i am sorry to myself, that i have allowed myself to let my soul become so unattended to. i am sorry to jesus. my soul longs for you, and yet i have found satisfaction from a cluttered mind and divided heart. i feel thin and so afraid. i miss wholeness and my middle. and it all makes me very sad.