a walk.

since having Manoah i have changed. Something in me became deeply lost, confused, and disconnected. I knew a name i had never known or identified with before, mom. The name implies one who nurtures and soothes, one who loves and comforts. I became flooded and lost in my own days, which felt endless, and my nights, which never lasted long enough. I got a job, which i was dispassionate about and worked more for an escape than for a need. I thought of starting a business, which lasted for 2 weeks. I thought of an invention idea, which i spent several wasted hours on the Internet. I started this blog, and another, and another blog- searching endlessly on other blogs to create the perfect blog. My mind wondered and dreamed of moving, of a house, of a better job, or or or anything that wasn't here. i guess it is easiest to say i was lost and trying somehow to find home again.
i went on a walk last week. one in which i felt the courage to face my own lost soul. Manoah had just pooped out his diaper and clothes and now i was walking and praying my heart out load to Jesus. in this walk and in the strangest of ways, Jesus touched me. as i stopped to let manoah crawl around i remember a thought i had while pregnant, "after Manoah is born i want to play tennis again." in response Jesus said to me, "that isn't your life anymore." Tennis, college, dating, grad school, mentoring, teaching, young married, ... all these parts of your life are no longer me. Loving Manoah is sacrificing me for him. I suppose this concept may come easy for others, but for me change is long and hard. i hold, actually grasped onto the past believing that all that is good and right and how things should be - are in the past. I have a hard time believing the the future holds equal if not better good for me. in the oddest, and simplest ways, my heart finally made sense. I had been so resistant to motherhood... to letting go of me and not embracing the newness and the goodness of this present season. would i let go of the past? Would that mean i would lose myself... that somehow motherhood meant losing myself? the answer is easy- yes. Yes i will let go and yes i will sacrifice, but no i will not lose me in the process. i actually believe i might in fact find more of myself that i didn't realize was there before. I suppose the depth of me goes down deeper than anyone can ever imagine. i forget that though. i forget that Jesus made me endless and in every sacrifice there is truly love. and i really love my son. and i want to still play tennis, but that isn't who i am. a mother is not actually who i am . i am beloved.