my 4:00 tears

(my letter to Oprah- please build us our dream house!- does it sound too desperate? 12:27 am- i should really be in bed)

Dear Oprah and Nate,

my 4:00 tears. i felt them creeping in. the slow burning sensation of water filling my eyes, combated with my stubborn determination to not let these tears manifest into reality. With my un-napped 2 year old bouncing on my head, and my newborn tucked away asleep, I indulged in my 'mommy veg-out' hour session of Oprah. Yes, when i happen to look at the clock and it is anywhere between the hours of 4 and 5, i make my way over to the couch and pay a visit to my old friend Oprah. Today's show was Nate 'the decorator' giving a family their dream house makeover. While watching the house be transformed i felt it, the tears... they were coming. Some might attribute such a breakdown to the postpartum emotions, lack of sleep, or my body strung out on too much caffeine, but i knew it was none of these. It was that moment in life when you see the dreams you once clung to with such passion and fervor, now cloudy and somewhat hard to remember. Those dreams- the ones you stayed up all night dreaming with your husband to be- Those dreams that gave you a purpose in life- Those dreams that touched you so deeply that they made you scream, 'this is what i was created to do!" Yes- those dreams... the ones that brought on these tears. it was those dreams that now, may actually never be realized. My 4:00 tears.

I (a stay at home mom) married Sam (a middle school pastor). I met him when i was 9 and married him him when i was 25. From 9 to 25 a lot happened, but it is enough to know that I married my best friend, twin soul, and man who is a better human then i will ever be. We started dating in December and got married the following October 2005. Those months were a whirlwind of planning our wedding, but mostly planning our lives. Here is how our dreams went: get married, have some children, and live our lives- full, big, intentional, and brilliant... to care deeply about the hearts of people, share the love of God that is given to each human being, long to see lives healed from brokenness and pain, we imagined being present with people along their journey, and dreamed to see people come alive. We've both invested our time into an education that would allow all these dreams to become realized. These dreams would be manifested through our home. A place for our children, but also community. Our dream house would be a place for our neighbors and those in need to find a home. Our home would be a place to open our doors to those without a place to call their own. Through an in-home counseling center, our home wouldn't just be an institution, but a space for restoration and healing.

It is likely that my tears came from the reality that this dream has faded with time, young children, a home where we rent the upstairs with our aged landlord living below. Our sons sleep in our little walk-in closet, we can't fit in our kitchen, our children can't play and run in the house because we don't want to wake our elderly landlord, we were given a piano that can't be played because it would be too loud, and there is little space for our friends, family, or community to even sit and enjoy a meal together. We are thankful for our lives and know that we have so much more than so many. Our space is small, but i love to make it feel like a home. We have always wanted people to walk into our home and, just by looking around, feel like they know us. Pictures of our families cover the walls (children, grandparents, and great- grandparents) along with personal artwork that holds our history, objects on shelves that each tell a story, and pieces of 'us' that hang in the hallway. I love to create spaces for people to feel comfortable and at peace. We don't dream of granite counter tops or luxurious upgrades, we dream of a place where someone can walk in our door and experience a home that is true, earthy, and inspires their own meaningful existence... a place where they can be real... a place that touches their own longing for a home, not just in walls, but the home inside of them. Homes bring healing and this is our dream. Our at home counseling center is a dream that lives deep within us.

We are normal people. No huge tragedy to speak of, struggles with addictions, or death. We are just your normal young family that dreams of living extraordinary lives. I am sure there are other families that need their dream home more than us, more deserving, and have suffered much more. But these are our dreams and our dreams require a dream house. A house that is unique. One with a separate entrance for private counseling, a large family room for group counseling, a kitchen that can hold larger crowds and can prepare bigger meals, an area outside that incorporates nature, a good size eating area inside, a living room that feels separate from the family room (allowing for multiple group counseling sessions to exist at the same time), and our children's rooms upstairs allowing a space for them to feel at home even when others are in their home.

This is our story and our dreams. watching Oprah today was a painful, yet beautiful reminder of who i am and long to be, even when those dreams seem a million miles away. My tears today opened me to the dreams that live so deeply inside of me, so deep that sometimes they feel lost. My 4:00 tears moved me to write this and writing this helped me not let go.

Sincerely,
Anjuli (please build me my dream house!) Paschall

-I am sure there are so many grammar mistakes, but i am just too tired to re-read this painfully long, desperate plea, shot in the dark, letter to Oprah that will never be read by her. To all my blog friends out there- if you read this- bless you and good night :)

tuesday's if onlys

if only... we had our own home
if only... Manoah would nap
if only... i could be who i want to be
if only... i didn't hide my heart
if only... i could live centered
if only... someone would do my laundry
if only... i was the person i really want to be (yup - this one is a big one)
if only... i could figure out how to use my blue tooth
if only... we had a backyard
if only... i knew how to pray
if only... Lost would be back on TV and never ever end
if only...i remembered how things once were
if only... Sam and i could go to Hawaii
if only... my headache would go away
if only... i could get rid of every yucky feeling inside of me
if only... my hair would grow faster
if only... i could cook
if only... i could stop biting my nails
if only... i wasn't so competitive
if only... i could paint the walls blue
if only... i had an ice cream cake in my freezer
if only... i could re-live my wedding day
if only... i could take back those words i said
if only... i could have said those other words instead
if only... i believed Jesus loved me
if only... i could lose this baby weight
if only... i didn't feel guilty about things i'm not guilty for anymore
if only... i was better at playing with Manoah
if only... i could say what my heart really longs to be spoken
if only... i could teach my husband to read my mind
if only... i could eat pasta for every meal
if only... my tuesday's if only list came true.