my band aid heart.

it was as though i saw my heart... deep, thick, and pulsing. there it was in a messy fleshy sort of way. and on my heart were band aids. they were there holding together the parts of my heart that had been ripped apart. yes- one friendship, one rejection, one loss, one walking away, one no goodbye, and one never had. yes, the parts of my heart that were once filled so beautifully by these loves. attachments so deep into my soul, ripped away and now replaced by band aids. band aids corroded, wet in blood, and hanging on by their last ounce of stickiness. i feel my powerless efforts to force the band aides back into place- i pound and i pound the flailing flaps of the band aids to stay down. the littlest stimulus will puncture my band aid and the blood comes gushing out uncontrollably. i replay the incessant arguments, imagine different scenarios, practice endless dialogues, or defenses that may have worked or might work to change the way things are now. yes- i am desperate to plug up the holes in my heart.

and all the while my heart beats away, even stronger, ever louder.

maybe my band aids aren't working anymore. maybe my wounds are deeper than i like to realize or feel or admit. maybe i hate that i still hurt and hurt and hurt from these lost loves. maybe i am afraid that if my band aids fell off... i might bleed my heart away.