small

Oh great God are you small enough to hear me now.

moving rooms

A few days ago Sam and i decided to move a few rooms around in our tiny place. It reminds me of when i was young. When all of my sisters would get the brilliant idea to switch rooms and roommates. We would stay up late and move all our furniture around and tryout out the dresser and desks in new places. There is something to this process that feels so good, a cleansing, a change. It is kind of like tricking yourself into thinking that you are in a new living space, even though the walls and the home are the same. Really, sometimes you just gotta move the couch and buy new pillows, and put the table in the corner at a slant. Here's the thing though, our house is dismantled and i don't know how to put it back together again. The pictures are off of their walls and the shelves are stripped of books and colors. oddly my home mirrors my heart.... as if the things that are a mess in my life don't know how to put themselves back together again. i am tired today, and yesterday and before that. i've given all i can, and i feel so done. it is a sad feeling to say goodbye and to close a door to a life and a friendship and parts of me. but sometimes this happens. The walls get all broken, and the chairs remain empty, frames lose the life that once danced inside them. and the days of sisters laughing and singing falls to a whisper. changing rooms and picking roommates loses its youthful splendor. night falls and sadness rises. and all the rooms are left undone.

four years.

this month marks four years. Four years ago, the Olympics, august, the heat of summer, and the lowest moments of my life. Four years now since i spent those painful, yet glorious weeks alone with just me and Jesus. I battled out the sadness and the loss, the years i went unnoticed and the times i slipped away. we talked, laughed, drank tea, fought and cried- all as if He, Jesus, was sitting beside me on the patio of that deck. i remember watching the sun set every evening and with it my heart sank with the fears that the darkness of night brought, but rejoicing with another long day passing and me still surviving. Me still surviving. ME. In all the violence that took place in my heart, soul, and body, the ME inside was found. She, Anjuli came to life, She became whole. She became one. Four years now since those three weeks in Washington. I distinctly remember a thought i had at that cabin, "God i can't believe you had to bring me to this cabin in Washington, You alone knew that being here was the only way that i would find healing, I can't believe you really want to heal me." i was astonished God knew my heart so deeply, so closely, so profoundly. He knew that in no other circumstance would i find the healing that my heart so desperately needed. i couldn't believe He wanted to heal me in the places of wounded-ness that i had so carefully and meticulously covered. It was that place of pain inside of me that i had slowly come to accept as a forever wound. One that would follow me to my death and be finally at peace only there. this pain i had accepted as a reality that would never ever go away.
...i sat in a room with friends last week. holding my breath from sharing myself with them. I closed my eyes. silence. i felt the nudge inside of me to open my mouth and let my heart out. and there i felt this thought again, " God could you really want to heal this place in me? the hurt, the brokenness, the bleeding that slowly spills into my everyday?" It was the same thought i had four years ago, "i can't believe you really want to heal this hidden place in me. this pain that i had accepted as a forever wound, deep inside my middle" I opened my mouth and my heart came out with my tears. i was loved. i am being healed.
It has been four years and i love who i am and i love who i am becoming. i love that Jesus is with me, within me, loving me. Four years since Washington and the fence and the fears. Four years since i wrote those letters and buried them in the sand. four years. four years since i cut my hair off and starting listening to my voice and being okay with being completely alone. four years ago i became alive for the first time. and this, becoming alive and awakened to life beauty and God, still is in me and moving me... so in some way, all and nothing, has changed.

our vineyard

(John Gorbet's grape vines)

(from our local Farmers Market)

(a vineyard in Southern France)

Recently Sam and i have been on an obsessive streak when it comes to vineyards. We have the blue prints drawn up and the spot located that will hold our future vineyard. I guess i have dreamy visions of a scene from the movie "A Walk among the Clouds." A terrible movie- which i would never recommend, all but the one scene where the whole village is together jumping bare feet on the grapes- that will someday become delicious wine. Everyone is laughing and dancing and pushing each other around- all covered in grapes! love it :) a stomping grape party- who's in? I found some old vineyard and grape pictures to inspire us all in this dream :)

Fun...

and we all like to have fun.

If you post your name in the comment section or email me, I will do the following:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a kind of alcoholic beverage to share with you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.(if possible. if not, I'll say something that only makes sense to me.)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what actor/actress you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. If you play, you MUST post this on your blog.

who wants to play?

i feel in love with Sam today. part 1.

I remember the night that Sam told me that he had driven out to coast, dug his hands deep in dirt, and stood alone feeling the earth between his fingers. It was one of his late night drives. The kind that happen when he is wrestling with anxiety and his only release is a long drive, in any direction, windows down, and the taste of fresh air to his lungs calming his rapid thoughts. I secretly hoped that his anxious thoughts included me and his passionate love for me about ready to burst through his chest, but lets be honest, i bet he was trying to contemplate the meaning of life and how his fingers to dirt may permanently effect the topology of that landscape for eternity. I can just see him now. His red truck parked along some lone highway and Sam down on his knees running sand between each finger and watching each grain fall from his hand and back onto the ground. He does this over and over, and all the while praying the mysteries of God under the dark and starry sky. I think this is a good intro for Sam. If you don't know my handsome man- this is a good start.

I believe our story started years before this day, but seeing this picture of his hands reminded me of how wonderful and altogether silly my sam really is.

This is part 1 of our love story: "I feel in love with sam today"

Spring 1999. The fire alarm blared throughout my dorm room building. Darkness had already settled in on our oceanfront Dormitory, Young hall. My college of choice happened to be located on the beautiful San Diego Coast. From my room (o-2) i could literally taste the salt water on my lips. 150 college Freshmen poured out of the dorms, carrying books, towels, and miscellaneous snacks. Like little mice the chattered rose with confusion and anticipation- why were the sirens interrupting our stressful thursday evening? to quiet our restless questions our Resident Director explained the Fire Drill and the plan of escape in case of a 'real' fire. To combat our frustration with this false alarm- he opened the back of his truck and unleashed dozens of Krispy Cream Doughnuts (if you haven't had these- go to the store and buy some now! AMAZING!) This story is going somewhere- i promise. That night is embedded into my head for this reason. As a freshman in college i had left my home and ventured away to face the world on my own (okay- i only moved 30 min away and i went to a small private Christian college) but it was a big deal okay :) That night i had several of my friends from home spending the night and checking out the school and applying for the following Fall. Of those friends was Sam Paschall- my childhood friend... best friends with my best friends brother (did you follow that? my BF is Krissa- her brother is Robby- Sam's BF- got it? good!) Anyway- Sam was there visiting with a few other guys and my good friend Beth. Up until that night- the fire drill night- i had never once thought of Sam more than him just being who he was- Sam. Skinny, toothy smile, big hands, small body, big feet, rambling stories, secret handshake, silly -Sam. he was never ever anything more to me... then on that night with the krispy Cream doughnuts everything changed. That night he became much more- a potential. You see after having the group down for the night my neighbor (in room o-1) asked me about him and commented on Sam's - here you go- "hotness!" yes- she said it "sam is Hot."- that comment threw me off because i thought she must have been talking about someone else- Sam? skinny Sam Paschall? "uhh- yeah- he is pretty good looking i guess?!#)(@*!" and there it began. Sam moved from childhood 'boy next door' to "he is so hot, lets go buy some hummus and have a picnic on the beach' (i am not sure what that means or where that came from :) all i know is that from that moment on- Sam was stuck there- in the back of my head and every Christmas, summer, fall break- I wondered if i would see him... my potential.

Please pray.

My Nephew Jackson is having open heart surgery in one week. Please pray.